In Need Of A Shrink
>>2003-01-15<< >>9:36 p.m.<<

Hi. Tanner wasn't here today. I know most of my friends jumped for joy because of that, but I was kinda sad. I like him. Alot. Too much. Ah, freak. I love the dude. A lotta good that does me.

Kat didn't get her hair cut the way she wanted it. (Heehee, mondosigh of relief!) I'm glad. I've told her this MANY times, and I'll say it now.... IT WOULD NOT LOOK RIGHT ON HER!!! She's been complaining that she looks like a 'freakin' prep'. Oh well, better a freakin' prep than a freak of nature. ;)

I think I'm scaring all of my friends. I've been using my thumbnail to make red marks on my wrists. They don't bleed or anything they just turn red and stay that way for like two days. It's like about as close to bleeding as you can come without actually bleeding. It doesn't hurt much, and it freaks out the teachers! >;)

But to hide it I take a gel pen and cover over the red with purple. So it looks less.... suicidal. Which I no longer am. (Suicidal I mean.) We were talking about tattoos at the church today and Bruce notced my wrist. I told him that I had just been "doodling on my arm." I hate lying to Bruce, but it wasn't really a WHOLE lie. I HAD been doodling on my arm... I was just doodling OVER something. Crap. But ANY type of lie is a sin. And all sins are equal. (Yep, that means a white lie is as bad as murder. Freaky, huh?)

I am soooo messed up. I'm tired, upset for no reason, and have absolutely NO intention of finishing this freaking algebra homework. All I wanna do is go to sleep so I can wake up and go to school to see Tanner tomorrow. Why do I like a guy who treats me like *crud*? Maybe cuz he knows exactly when to do something sweet so I won't be mad at him anymore.

Here's another question, why am I such a *not nice word*?

I need a shrink.

As in a psychiatrist.

Like, for crazy people.

Cause I must be absolutely bonkers.

I'm not sure why I think I'm crazy, but I'm pretty sure I am. Not like 'wild-n-crazy', like depressed-angry-violent mentalcase.

I put the violent part in there because ever since I met Tanner, I've just been getting more and more violent. Like, he started hitting me, so I started hitting back, and then I started hitting anyone who made me the least bit angry. Or said something mean to me in a joking way.

I realized it today when Kat kept complaining every time I hit her. I must have hit her 20 times in one day, and it was over little comments like her saying 'you look anorexic' in a 'you know I'm just messing with you' way. I started scaring myself.

Oh well. I guess all 14-year-olds are like this. Or at least I hope they are. I hope everything I'm feeling right now is 'normal'. Cuz if it ain't, then I dunno what I'll do.

Freak. This has been an interesting emotion session. Whatever. Bye.

..::Now the Moon::..---..::Has clouded Over::..

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