About My Younger Big Brother
>>2003-11-14<< >>3:58 p.m.<<

*sigh*

i haven't written in almost two weeks, so i just thought i'd drop in and say hello. let you know i'm indeed still breathing.

tanner says that he's not going to tell me when he cuts anymore. i know he cut last night cuz him and his dad got in a fistfight and tanner's dad almost called the police on tanner. not at all cool. so he cut the shit out of both of his wrists. and now i think he was cutting in seminar class.

it drives me absolutely insane. and now he says he wont tell me when he does shit like that cuz he doesn't like making me sad. not telling me just makes me sadder. i told him i wouldn't cry. i tried not to cry. i really did.

but i'm sorry, i can't help some things.

i hate that there is nothing i can do to make shit better for him.

i hate that he wont let me care about him

he always pushes me away. he wont just let me care about him. he's like my brother. i love him more than almost anyone. so it hurts that he wont acknowledge that he has the power to be able to hurt me so deeply.

it's like... i just wish he'd give me a way to make this shit stop hurting so much. when he told me he had cut his wrists again... i just started shaking. i literally could not breathe. he kept saying "Jessi? Jessi? What's wrong?" I kept telling him "Nothing, I'm fine." But i can't seem to fool him. ever. Finally he said, "Just tell me is it your stomach or is it me?" [[I've been really sick the past few days and he keeps worrying about it.]] I said, "If I told you that i was gonna start cutting again but that i wasn't gonna tell you when i did it, how would you feel?"

He told me he'd be a little pissed, and i said "alright then, you just answered your own question."

Then he gave me the, "Dont think it's your fault that i'm gonna stop telling people when i cut, i'm just sick of hurting people i care about" speech.

i'm not mad at him- i'm really not. but i just want to bust out crying every time i think about him and cutting and razorblades and he said he wasn't gonna tell me anymore. it's like he doesn't trust me, and that makes me really sad. i mean, he said he'd think about telling me, but somehow, i don't think he will. he's one of those kinds of people who you can't pressure to do anything. and i really, really respect him for that. but sometimes it just hurts a little knowing that i can't do anything to change him. i mean... God i know this is kinda confusing. i dan't want to change him, but in a way i do... argh.

and right now, i really wish i could be comfortable trying to talk to him about all this shit that's running through my head, but i know i'll never feel safe enough to just do that. i feel safe enough around him to talk about everything but cutting. cuz that subject hurts like a bitch. but... i dont know. it just seems like if we talked about it it wouldn't hurt so damn much. but if we DID talk about it, i probably wouldn't be able to find the words and everythign would come out all messed up and he'd get all mad at me and i can't stand to even think that someone i care so much about is mad at me.

i think way too damn much.

oh well, random thought makes me feel so much better

and if anyone i know reads this and makes the connection between who i am and who Tanner is and gives Tanner this web page i am so dead but i don't care anymore.

i just wish people didn't have so much power over me. there are only... 2 or 3 people who the extreme power over me that they can TRULY and DEEPLY hurt me the way Tanner does so often without even realizing it.

he has not clue how much i just want to give up sometimes. how much i just want to say fuck-the-world-i'm-leaving and just die. not necessarily because of Tanner, but because i care too much for other people. i constantly worry, and it literally drives me insane at times. i just wish i could give up knowing how to breathe. living would be so much easier if i was dead.

alright, i'm gonna stop having a little shitty pity party.

bye.

..::Now the Moon::..---..::Has clouded Over::..

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