Moonlit Nights make me want to CRY out your name.

one long ass entry- thanks to the copy/paste button
>>2004-01-18<< >>6:49 p.m.<<

And now again I'm her and I'm lonely and my heads hurts... and I'm about to make this a very long entry by posting the last five entries from my xanga in here... just because i'm sick and i have alot i need to say but can't really type out right now cuz my head is throbbing.

i might put some other choice xanga entries in as well...

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Currently Playing

Take a Look in the Mirror

By Korn

see related

- Counting On Me

BODY

1. What do you like most about your body?: EYES they change colour depending on my mood

2. And least?:stomach

3. How many fillings do you have?: 3 or 4

4. Do you think you're good looking?: nto really

5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: too often. It bothers me

6. Do you look like any celebrities?: chris says I remind him of that chick from the linkin park “numb” video

FASHION

1. Do you wear a watch?: would if I had a black one w/ spikes on it

2- How many coats and jackets do you own?: one that I actally wear. denimn

3. Favorite pants color? black

4. Most expensive item of clothing?: $52 Tripp pants from hottopic

5. What kind of shoes do you wear?: cheap walmart, belks heels, and chuck tailors all stars

6. What’s your sense of style?: if it scares small children, give it to me NOW

YOUR FRIENDS

1. Do your friends 'know' you?: two or three might claim to

2. What do they tend to be like?: male. And “gothic”.

3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?: I’m patient and always willing to listen, and take the blame for everything, and put others before myself nonstop. Usually I let the problems of others consume me completely with worry and concern

4. How many people do you tell everything to?: one. Chris.

MUSIC, TV, FILM & BOOKS:

1. Favorite group ever?: korn

3. Do you find any musicians good-looking?: yep

4. Can you play an instrument?: I try, but I’m no good at anything

5. Type of music never listened to?: country, classical

6. Type of music you love to listen to?: metal, alternative, nu-rock

GENERAL QUESTIONS:

1. Who is the smartest woman alive at the moment?: sarah chapman

2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day?: rainy- storming.

3. Do you consider yourself lucky?: every once in a while

4. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide?: not them, they got their dream come true. Its their families I pity

5. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: used

6. Why do you think God made you the way you are?: god? Ha, that’s a good’un

7. If you could describe yourself, how would you describe you?: scared. Spazztic. Nervous. Insane.

MORE JUNK:

1. Complete & Full Name: Jessi Danielle Clark

2. Do you like it?: its I’d rather my name was Anxiety

3. Nick-names: Dumbass, horny-bitch, tomato, stupid... I answer to em all

4. Screen names: Silverfalse@aol.com, hardrockess@yahoo.com, tomatopumpkin@hotmail.com

5. Age: 15

6. I was born: Oct. 31, 1988

7. Sign: scorpio.

8. Ethnic Background: Cherokee I know, w/ some other shit like Scottish and irish mixed in

9. stuck in: hell

10. Job: aint got one

11. Status: lost. Oh wait- I mean single.

12. Crush: chris. As if there was a doubt

13. Natural hair color: lightish brown, but steadily getting darker

14. Current hair color: natural

15. Eye color:hazel

16. Height: 5'5, 5’6 ish

17. Weight: 112

18. Birthplace: here

19. Shoe size: 8 ½ to 9

FAVORITES:

1. Number: 13

2. Color: black

3. Day: Tuesday/ Wednesday ;)

4. Month: Oct.

6. Movie: McClintock, True Grit, American Outlaws

7. Food:ick.

9. Sport: swimming

10. Class: math

11. Teacher: Mrs. Johnson

12. Drink: coke. Chocolate milk. Hot chocolate

13. Veggie: tomatoes

14. TV station: don’t like TV in general

15. Radio station: 99X and others

16. Store: Hot Topic, Christian Outreach, and Forever 21 (I know it’s a prepstore but the secton dedicated to black has clothes w/ real potential when mixed with stuff I already have. Like a sewing kit and duct tape. And scissors.)

17. Expression: PLEASE fuck off now.

18. Animal: my beloved black cat, Tac. [[named because its cat backwards]]

19. Flower: black roses, peperomia, red draconia. ( I’m in FFA on the Floriculture team. And I wanna go to state finals!)

PICK ONE

1. Me or you: you – as in “are you SANE???”

2. Coke or Pepsi: coke

3. Day or night: rainy summer nights

4. AOL or AIM: aol and aim

5. CD or cassette?: cd- you can actually change the tracks!

6. DVD or VHS: DVD clearer pic

7. Jeans or khakis: Jeans

8. Car or truck: truck. I wanna F150

9. Tall or short: guys taller than I am are always good.

10. Lunch or dinner: lunch

11. N*sync or BSB?: I’m going to hurl. Oh wait. I already did....

12. Gap or Old Navy: there goes more vomit.

13. Lipstick or lipgloss: black lipstick w/ red lipliner

14. Silver or gold: white gold

15. Alcohol or weed: I don’t like alcohol cuz 1- when I’m drunk I cant stand up and the lack of control scares me, 2- I don’t remember anything except what Chris told me because I apparently called him while intoxicated, and 3- I’m apparently one horny lil mofo when I’m wasted. And I don’t like weed cuz I’ve never tried it but have seen what it does to many of my friends

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

1. Do you have a bf/gf?: no. but it seems like every one of my friends is suddenly asking me out. That’s what I get for only hanging out with guys

2. Do you have a crush?: what the hell do you think? YES

3. How long have you liked him/her: about a year and a half. Since 9:38 on Aug. 8, 2002 if you want me to be specific

4. Why do you like this person?: because he’s amazing. And sweet. And my best friend.

5. If you're single, why are you single?: because its easier than going out with someone only to have to break up with them before they get the chance to fall in love.

THE PAST:

1. What is the one thing you would change about your past?: I have done many stupid things- but I regret none of them. If I live long enough, maybe I can help a teenager with what I know. And with the proof of what I’ve done to myself [[i.e. scars. Physical, visible, tangible scars on my body]]

2. What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: haha. I don’t make lists for anyone. Ask me in person, and ask me if I’ve done something specific- then maybe I’ll tell

3. Last thing you heard: my own thoughts and the keyboard

5. Last thing you said: “will you please just leave me alone?!?!? I feel like crap!”

6. What is the last TV show you saw?: I avoid that evilness

7. What is the last song you heard?: “Wait and Bleed” by slipknot

8. Last time you took a trip: fla. disneyworld

9. Last time you said something bad: ½ a second ago.

FUTURE:

1. What day is it tomorrow?: Monday

2. What are you going to do after this?: go change into my pajamas

3. Who are you going to talk to?: I might try to call chris

4. Where are you going to go?: my room

5. How old will you be when you graduate?: hopefully 18

6. What do you wanna be?: a psychologist- just like ramie. And/or an FFA basic ag teacher

7. What is one of your dreams?: to finally stop depending on anyone

8. Where will you be in 25 years?: 40

OTHER:

1. Do you write in cursive or print?: print

2. Are you a lefty or a a righty?: I write with my right hand if that’s what you are saying.

3. What piercing do you have?: once upon a time I had my ears pierced, but I let em grow back in. and I also once pierced my own naval with a safety pin, but I took it out after one week cuz it was getting infected and it hurt and itched. Haha- I took it out in class right in front of like 4 people!

4. Do you drive?: I have a learners.

5. Do you have glasses or braces?: nope

6. If you had three wishes, what would they be?: one for wisdom, one for independence, and a third for the ultimate power of COMPLETE INVISIBILITY.

7. Did you enjoy taking this survey?: sort of.

Public - 6:30 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Friday, January 16, 2004

Currently Playing

Reanimation

By Linkin Park

see related

- My Dcmbr -

Yay, another questionie thing.

The Essentials:

What do fools call you? Master.

How old are you? 15 going on 5,000.

Have you ever:

Been arrested? no.

Done something you could be arrested for? Yeah, and?

Had sex? none of your stinkin business. i hate this question. it's always here. i'm just gonna start anwering it with "SCREW YOU"

Physically harmed yourself on purpose? Once again, yeah- AND?!?!

Loved someone? Yes, and I still do love him.

Cried because of something he/she said? Yeah, many times.

Choose:

Fruits or Veggies? Neither. I like chocolate.

Pale or Tanned? I'm pale, but I tend to like skinny and tanned... skinny and pale is nice too though...

Humans or Animals? Animals. No contest- ANIMALS!

Fire or Ice? FIRE! I'm a pyro, I'm a BIG pyro!!!

Heavy Metal or Classical Music? Heavy Metal. I'm glad Beethoven is dead.

CD or the Radio? CD- uncensored baby!

Air or Water? Water. I love water. I wish I could breathe undewater. It's so peaceful, and lonely, and quiet.

TV or a Book? A book. More descriptive, more interesting, and no damn commercials.

Preppie, Punkie, Emo, or Goth? Uhh... the labels question... Most call me a goth. Which doesn't bother me. Opinions of people I don't value don't bother me.

13, 666, or 777? 13. Just... thirteen. neither God, nor Devil. Just bad. 13.

Top or bottom? Bottom... ?

Love or Hate? It sorta depends. In love and hating it-but still loving it.

Dominant or Submissive? Submissive.

Kissing- Tongue or None? TONGUE! But only after a few gentle kisses... *shivers at thought*

Finish the Sentence:

People call you: scary.

You are scared of: NO ONE, BITCH!

My music is: loud and angry and I FRICKING LOVE IT.

Sex before marriage is: a choice.

Bottled up rage is: perfectly healthy if you're me! So stop bothering me about "talking" about it Chris!

Love is: heaven and hell, beauty and bane, life and death. everything at once and not at all.

Hell is: hell. But I don't think it's as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

Heaven is: heaven. But I doubt it's as great as everyone makes it out to be.

Kissing is: THE SHIT! And I know several people who are VERY good at it too! *wink, wink*

Sex is: for people who are ready for it.

The Final Few:

Fave Holiday? Halloween. It's my birthday.

Fave color? Black. Black everything. I want to die my hair black.

Fave band? Korn.

Best friend[s]? Chris. Jessica. Sarah. Nic. Tonee. Matt.

First love? Chris.

Current boyfriend/ girlfriend? I'm single, bi-yatch.

Time? 6:13 PM

Last Words? Korn kicks ass. Period.

Public - 6:13 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - edit it - email it

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Currently Playing

Follow The Leader

By Korn

see related

- All in the Family -

Ok, Jennifer, so what is the whole story? And why should I remove something from my journal? Hmm? I'm pissed off because someone who at least seemed to tolerate me as a friend went behind my back with my [[now]] ex-boyfriend. And then you had the balls to try and talk to me about my current relationship with him? Jeez... and now you're mad at me because I take offense at being cheated on. Maybe if there was an ounce of respect inside you, you wouldn't have preached at me about my "romantic" life. And if you want to "chew me out" about it- go ahead. TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT AT OFFENDING ME! Hell, I'd like to see you TRY to embarass me. Most people know that I have no shame whatsoever. So what are you going to do? Preach at me about something you know NOTHING about? Preach at SOMEONE you know NOTHING about? Like I said: take your best fucking shot at me.

If you know nothing else about me, know this: I don't care what you think. There are very few people in this world who's opinion of me really matters. Yours is not one of them. James's is also NOT one of them. In fact, there are only... three people I would EVER even CONSIDER changing myself for. Only 3 people who's opinion I value.

So unless you want it posted- don't "offer" me your opinion, on anything.

"I'll Check you out punk, yes I know you feel it.

You look like one of those dancers from the Hanson video,

you little faggot ho. Please give me some shit to work with,

'cuz right now I'm all it kid" -Korn "All in the Family"

Public - 4:22 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Currently Playing

Xiii

By Mushroomhead

see related

- Sun Doesn't Rise

I WOULD...

I would pull you closer, if only I wasn't so afraid

I would shy away, if I could just stop caring

I would say I love you, if I could handle being hurt

I would smile once more, if it would help me cry

I would hold you close to me, if I wanted to kill her inside

I would kiss you one last time, if I wanted to hurt you

I would write the truth, if I could stop lying to myself

I would kill to see you happy, that's why I pull away

I would love to be your love, but I'm not good enough

I would write a million love songs, if only to sing you one

I would burn a thousand candles, just to light your path

I would break every promise, but I'm not strong enough

I would tell you every thought, but it'd drive you insane

AND I WOULD BEG YOU TO COME BACK, IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LOVE HER.

Public - 8:12 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - edit it - email it

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Currently Playing

Golden State

By Bush

see related

- Headful of Ghosts

Ok. I'm sick of this. JUST PLAIN FUCKING SICK OF IT. Chris just refuses to speak to me anymore, and it hurts more than anything you could imagine. I never know what's going on, because he just never talks to me anymore. And maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion again. Maybe I'm just being an idiot. Or maybe I'm just too stupid to let go. Like a child who doen't connect touching a hot stove to extreme pain; I can't connect Chris to this constant pain in my chest.Not only that I CAN'T, but that I don't want to.

It's like this is what I'm going to feel for the rest of my life; like this is all I'm ever going to do. Is bitch and whine about loving someone who wants nothing to do with me; who refuses to talk to me; who refuses to remember all those promises he used to make. The promises not to cut, not to hurt me, not to let go. He's gone back on every word he's ever spoken. And I still can't let go. I still can't bring myself to let it stop hurting. Because I made a promise to him: that I'd never give up. And I don't want to break that; I refuse to snap that one last thread that's still tying me to him.

I promised that I never would, after all.

Public - 7:53 PM - 4 eprops - 2 comments - edit it - email it

Currently Playing

Follow The Leader

By Korn

see related

- all in the family

brandXnewXcore: how come you and james dont even talk anymorE?

brandXnewXcore: or ignore

brandXnewXcore: me

brandXnewXcore: cya

Silverfalse: give me a sec to type it!

Silverfalse: jeez!

Silverfalse: I just really don't want to talk to him. it's too hard. and besides what i did was totally evil and he hates me,

brandXnewXcore: whatd yo udo?

Silverfalse: broke up with him. and the next day was going out with my best friend chris who is also jessica (my other best friends) exboyfriend

brandXnewXcore: do you and chris go out?

Silverfalse: no. that was at the beginning of last month and it only lasted 4 days....

brandXnewXcore: sorry are chris and jessica back together?

Silverfalse: yes. :'(

brandXnewXcore: maybe there meant to be then

Silverfalse: bah humbug. i've been bitching about it non stop in my xanga

brandXnewXcore: you know...im not saying this to be mean...but if you didnt try to rebel against everything and only rebeled against the important things in life maybe people would look at you in a different light...maybe they would see you as a rebel and not just a trouble making poser

Silverfalse: 1- who's "they", 2- i dont fucking care what "they" think about me. they can call me a braindead sorority sister for all i care!

brandXnewXcore: they-90% of putnam county and you may not care what they think...but if you actually pick and choose your battles you might win one now and then

Silverfalse: now i am well and truly lost. we havent talked in forever yet u preach at me like sister teresa reincarnated? and why should i care what putnam county thinks when i am moving to Nevada as soon as i possibly can?

brandXnewXcore: is your family moving or just you?

brandXnewXcore: and its mother theresa

Silverfalse: me. alone. as soon as i am 18- whether i have the money or not.

brandXnewXcore: why nevada?

Silverfalse: because its far away

brandXnewXcore: go to china its farther...

Silverfalse: go to hell, they'll like you there

brandXnewXcore: you might not care what people think...and thats fine...but if you really didnt care...you would act way different then you do now...

brandXnewXcore: your not special...you dont stand out...people dont stare at you because they think your different or cool or are some kind of martar for the gothic kind they stare because they think your stupid because youll wake up one day and realize that you wasted a whole year of your life when your just like everyone else...but maybe a little smarter

brandXnewXcore: get real jessi

Silverfalse: :) i am as real as i want to be. and people can stare for whatever reason they want. i'm not bitching because people stare at me or anything like that, the only reason i bitch in my journal is because i love chris with all of my heart and cannot stand knowing that i'm not good enough for him. somehow i dont think you read my journal.

Silverfalse: and somehow i dont care whether or not u read it, or what you think about me.

brandXnewXcore: somehow i dont have time to read peoples journals...im trying to make you realize doing what your doing stealing your dads truck for a joy ride...stealing your best friends b/f...hurting james...all of that...is going to get you no where...high school isnt for drama its for getting a fucking education and when you mature a little maybe youll wise upandrealize you either go with the flow or youll get seriously hurt

Silverfalse: 1- fuck james. i dont care about him anymore. 2- i did not steal chris from jessica, she had broken up with him weeks before and didn't want anyone else to have him 3- you have no clue about what happened with my dads truck so dont even go there. and 4, is it true that james cheated on me with you when we were going out? because if it is i seriously think you should shut the fuck up- fast.

brandXnewXcore: who told you that?

Silverfalse: doesn't matter. but i'm assuming its the truth.

brandXnewXcore: never assume it makes an ass out of u and me

brandXnewXcore: you know what you can do you can tell me who said it so i can take it up with them and notbe mad at you for starting shit that might not be true or i can be mad at you for starting shit that might not be true

brandXnewXcore: who told you that?

Silverfalse: then you can fucking well be mad at me. it doesnt matter who told me- i'm not even supposed to have heard it. eavesdropping is so fun though. and rewarding.

Silverfalse: and since you wont just flat out answer my question i think i have a reason to believe that it's true.

brandXnewXcore: well...lets see it is true...it happened on the night of katies birthday and she was doing her thing with jayson and then shit happened with james and me...if you want to know the truth felt REALLY bad about it...james just didnt want me to tell you and i never saw you to much to tell you but you can gurantee i wont be going to church anymore because ignorant kids like you cause problems

brandXnewXcore: theres your fucking answer jessi read it and fucking weap

brandXnewXcore: give me a break you dont know what love is you wouldnt if it attacked you likea ber attacks an animal jesus get over yourself your not special your not different your not a trend setter you follow the crowd and maybe one day youll belike the crowd youll slit your wrist so fucking bad you die is that what you want??!?!?is it?GROW UP HURTING YOURSELF DOES NOTHINGFOR YOU!!! IT DOESNT HELP OR HURT YOU!!!! YOU DO IT FOR ATTENTION

Silverfalse: aw, now why would i cry? just because someone i dont even really like anymore cheated on me? please.

Silverfalse: hahaha... i dont even do that anymore bitch

brandXnewXcore: drop the guard jessi

brandXnewXcore: o0o0o im the bitch...

brandXnewXcore: yeah well youll start back...i knowi did

brandXnewXcore: get over yourself and grow up

brandXnewXcore: when your ass commits suicide or gets the shit beat out of you because you messed with the wrong "bitch" then maybe you will

Silverfalse: how about this- you can fuck off now.

brandXnewXcore signed off at 3:36 PM

Public - 3:41 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - edit it - email it

Currently Playing

In the Name of Progress

By Fingertight

see related

- Guilt -

I wish that I could just stop feeling. Or maybe I could just stop trusting X- so much that I am totally honest with him. He avoids telling me what bothers him because he doesn't want me to worry about him. I wish he wouldn't hold things in like that, especially since he's always telling me how unhealthy it is.

On top of that, I always- ALWAYS- make sure I tell him that I love him before we get off the phone or something, but he's stopped saying it back. And even though I know WHY he stopped, it still hurts more than hell. The Sexy One heard me say "I love you, too. Bye." when I was getting off the phone with X- and she apparently got mad at him and told him not to say that he loves me anymore. I understand why she wants him to stop saying it, and I understand that I deserve it- but even knowing that I deserve it doesn't keep it from hurting.

I guess I should get used to being pushed away by those that I care for, but I still hate myself for letting it hurt so much.

I am such a whiny bitch. No wonder X- broke up with me. He said it was because he didn't think "we could be happy together" and he said all he wants is for me to happy. Bullshit. Here's your red flag X-: I'm not happy right now. And I haven't been for weeks.

If I only I were brave enough to let him read this. Yeah, if only.

Someone please slap me and tell me to get over this and get over him and get over this pain and shut up and stop bitching about what I can't change. Please. Just slap some sense into me. Hell- chain whip me for all I care- just make this go away!

Public - 10:22 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - edit it - email it

Friday, January 09, 2004

Currently Playing

Leave a Whisper

By Shinedown

see related

- 45

I'm gonna try to be honest on this journal- no matter who's reading it. So that's why I'm saying that I just wanted to fall off the face of the earth today at lunch. Because X- and The Sexy One kept holding hands, sticking their hands up each others' shirts, kissing... I hate myself for letting it hurt, but it does. So much. I may not be too good at numbing this kind of pain, but I am damn good at hiding it long enough to get home so that I can cry and talk to my Happy Bunny Poster. I'm good at putting up a front of happiness until I'm alone. At least, I'm good at doing it at school.

The thing is- I had it under some kind of control before. It's my fault though. I'm the one who put myself in this position. Or at least I'm the one who allowed myself to be put in this position. It just hurts so much and there's nothing I can do about it- save avoid all the people that I care about the most. And no matter what, I refuse to do that. Unless one of them tells me to bug off. But before I messed up and me and X- "went out"- I'm not even sure if you could even call it that- it didn't hurt so bad, seeing him and The Sexy One together I mean. Before that, I had myself totally convinced that I'm not good enough for him, and that I never would be good enough. But then we "went out", and suddenly I thought I might just be good enough for him.

But then, I guess I was right the first time. I'm not. And I never will be.

Funny huh? How I know of... at least four guys who have said something about "liking" me- and another who's my friend and was stoned and tried to convince me to screw him *shiver*, but the one person I truly think I love, is the one person I can't have. I'm not accustomed to having a boyfriend. I've only had a grand total of 3 "real" boyfriends, and all of them were during the past year. AND that's counting the 4-day thing with X-.

I'm on the brink of giving up when it comes to the male population. At least for now. I'll pull a Sarah and just not go out with anyone. Until I move to Nevada and escape everyone in this place. I just can't take this place- these people- anymore. I've let them get too close, and now it hurts too much, so I just want to leave. I wanna be in Nevada.

Public - 4:55 PM - 4 eprops - 4 comments - edit it - email it

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Currently Playing

Believe

By Disturbed

see related

what came first the chicken or the egg? the egg.

have you ever kissed anybody? yeah

what is your longest relation ship you have had? alomost 4 months

if you could go where ever you wanted (a closet, France, bedroom, Hawaii ect) for 1 hour with anybody you wanted where and who would it be?

hmm... X-, definitely. either a closet or a bedroom.

GAY STUFF

whos your crush? X-. but it's a one-way emotion.

do they like you? haha. he says he still loves me, but its a very long story ending with me nearly crying everytime i see him and The Sexy One together. but i deserve it

are you going out with them? i did once. he broke up with me.

if yes then how long? it was for 4 days..

have you kissed them? yes

if yes, kiss or KISS? KISS

~*~this or that~*~

phone or computer: phone

skittles or m&ms: mms

hug or kiss: kiss.

guys or girls: :) u pick

day or night: i'm a night and darkness person

scary or funny (movies): scary for most people tends be premium humour to me so...

yes or no: yes